Good Byee are too Difficult

 It was the year 2005 and the time we shifted to our house. I was just a little kid back then and the place where we had shifted had many children of my age. So, moving to this place and getting comfortable here was kinda easy for me.

I even made friends, and that too very early. They too did not take much time to accept me as a part of their group. We were a group of 8 kids who played every evening, fought a lotttt, and did everything together. Months and months passed and as we grew older, all of us eventually got separated. It was just me and her who was left and probably we only had each other in all aspects ..

Then after some time, unfortunately even though we moved to different cities, we still shared the same bond with each other, the one we shared when we saw each other every day. We kept in contact, chased each other, made fun, and did a lot more. During the pandemic, everyone was far away but we were still together. We rather came too close in these 2 years. We shared all our ups and downs with each other. I always saw my little sister in her. I sometimes got irritated with her but still, I did care for her and loved her a lot. During our night walks (which were my favorite part), we used to discuss the things going on in each of our families and even planned for my wedding haha. Things like what I'd wear, what would be the bridesmaids' gifts, where will we shop etc etc... and all other endless talks.

One day, she announced that she wanted to pursue higher studies. 'I will go for GATE' she said. I motivated and supported her in every way I could and luckily, she cleared her exam too. She had a lot of colleges to choose from and was very deep thinking about what would be best for her.  She was preferring to get a college in Delhi, and I was very happy with her decision. Around that very time, we were in a conversation that we would move together in the mid-way and would stay together.

We always wanted to be with each other. Then one day, I was in my office, and I got a call from her, and I was in complete shock as she had got a college in Surat, which was almost 17 hours away. 'Oh god! How will we manage things?' was my foremost reaction.

I wasn't feeling good at all. I just couldn't handle the thought of her getting away.

As I went back home, I saw her sitting with all the sadness she could gather at once. Even though I was not happy, with her career, I accepted the fact that she had to go, and even motivated her.

Now, the time has finally come, just a few hours are left. I did not know how to say goodbye to her, coz I never did. She was never away from me, always by my side, securing her special place in my heart.

I didn't know how I will manage without her, who will accompany me on night walks, who will listen to all the thoughts going in my mind all day, who will handle my mood swings.... The questions were endless. But i don't want to come in your way by being selfish.. So, all the very best bro...Hope to see you super soon...

The Darkest Side of My Life

 The time when I was a kiddo, I always wanted to have a granddd wedding, my man should be the most romantic one, the one who would understand me, care for me & will always be mine. I always wanted a relationship, which would be pure, selfless and complete in its own.

This is the time when I’m saying bye bye to my bachelorhood and stepping towards a new journey of my life as Mrs. The wedding is arranged, and I know with little efforts, we would make it a successful one. I am nervous but at the same time happy too.

“bachpan mai jaisa socha tha vaise sab toh nhi but kuch na kuch toh same hi hai”

It’s been years since I’m married now, and for this marriage I gave up my dreams, career and all the things that I was in love of, just to make this relationship a pure, special one.

There was the time when I was cooking my husband’s favorite dish. I put all my efforts but

“Mujhe nhi pta tha jiski Khushi k liye yeh sb ho rha hai who kya krne vala hai “

He came home, fully drunk; my mother-in-law laughed at me and said  

“ab yhi teri zindgi hair aur terako yhi gandgi saaf krni hai”

I cried whole night and asked myself, ‘This is what all you wanted in your life?’ You gave up everything for this person who not only can stand himself. Next morning, I woke up, preferred to forget everything that had happened last night, thrown away all the dishes that I had prepared last night into the dustbin. I called my mother and told everything to her. She said they will come and take me at their place for some days so that they could help me deal with the situation. The next night he returned home in the same situation and that very day he was angrier than usual and treated me as if I am the only reason behind every wrong thing happening in his business.

I was not at all feeling well from a few days. I went to the doctor all alone and then I got the news that I am pregnant. How can I be happy? Who will be happy after listening to the news? Do I have someone who really cares? I was surrounded with lots and lots of questions while walking back home.

Had no answer in my mind plus my situation at the house was not very good. He used to hurt me a lot, but I was not able to figure out why all of it was happening to me. Then one day after thinking too much about it, I finally decided to give up on the relationship, because I felt it was only me who was putting efforts in it. I only wanted to live for my child. I decided to go at my mom’s place and raise my baby all by my selves.

I finally got divorced after fighting for it for almost an year and was living at my parents’ house to have some mental peace and for providing a positive and healthy upbringing to my child. I was treated as if I had a heavy wound on my body. No, I want to live happy as a normal person. Days passed and I was blessed with a baby boy. We were happy together, but this world, you know, is very jealous when they see someone happy. People started talking about my past, and even made weird faces when they saw me even in public, also they used to comment on me:

“sare khushuiya bikhar si gyi jab apno ne bhi bolna shuru kr diya”

I wanted to move to a city where no one knows me, where I can have my own identity. I started working for my teaching exams and had faith on universe that “koi toh ase place hoge jhan mai rh skhu”

I got selected in the city where I wanted to go from my very childhood. So, I along with my baby boy shifted to Mathura (city of lord Krishna) got the government house to stay. This was the start of my new life. I was settled and living the way I wanted. Now family is planning for my little sister wedding. We went to see a family who resided in Delhi. The guy was smart and my little one found him interesting too haha.

He had a little brother too was very caring and polite in his words.

I liked him and wished to have a conversation with him. There was some family function and we also asked them to join us in the function. There I finally decided to have a conversation with “Jiju ke bhai ”

Negativity: “tu divorcee hai who kyu baat krega, nhi krega, usne merko apni Bhabhi ki bhen ki nazar se dekha hai, who nhi krega baat”

 After all these thoughts, I decided to take a step back and think only about my child.

One night I was at my parent’s place and my little sis was talking to her ‘going to be husband’. She invited me to have a word with Jiju. So, I talked with both the brothers and we exchanged  numbers too.

We started talking day and night and I started liking to have the conversation with him. We used to share out day to day lives and we were happy together.

One night he asked me to be his life partner. I disconnected the call; I couldn’t commit to anyone. How could I forget my past. I cried a lot and decided to not to stop talking to him.

Next morning, I woke up, my doorbell rang and I opened the door. He was there to ask me why I reacted like that. He was worried for me. He had not slept the entire night. I told everything to him and made him introduce to my little baby. They both played a lot and that very time I decided to get married to him. We both convinced our parents and got married. It obviously wasn’t what I had expected too early to happen. 

Bonding

After the hectic 2 days in office and with lots of disappointments I came back home. I do not want to go back home coz I love the city not the cubical but only for the city the memories which I had in past 5 years for them I want to be their forever.

After the weekend we again have the office now I was in situation where I do not want to have communication with people. In the morning I planned to say GOODBYE to my social media reason coz I want to work on my dreams without getting affected with the situation which I had in my office.

As soon as I started working, I got the call from one of my colleagues and she was very happy with me, praised me a lot and she wanted me to be with me. Hope arises

Lots of text message about the next office days, I was surprised about that.

Birds again

Negative: They do not care about you. They are using you for their own sake to make gossips about you.

Positive: They all are trying to be with you. So that you will have people around.

I chose for the negative one coz I had seen them on the floor they all were making fun of each other. So, I opted out with the communication. They all were messaging me and asking me about everything not because I was new, maybe they feel like I am good person.

Few days back, it was about the time when we had not seen each other but we use to talk. I was in conversation with one of my female colleagues we use to work together in same list of activities. We used to support each other due to some misunderstanding we stopped talking with each other. 

She also texts me that I am sorry after seen you originally, I concluded that you can’t do wrong to someone. You were correct on your part she was sorry at the end we are communicating till date

We all started talking with each other and we all bonded with each other.

Next week we again must have to go to ooffice. I was confident that all will be same no one will see me again. This time I will not hope for anything. I stepped inside the cubical and everything was opposite as expected. We shake hands with each other, we went together to bring coffee on our desk. We discussed so many things. This time I feel like I was not new anymore I know everyone.

So, at the end this cubical has accepted me the way I am, and I am happy at the end.

My Day in Black

Today was my first day in the cubical, was excited & nervous too. I would be meeting the people who was in contact virtually. There were to birds on my shoulder the negative and the positive one.

Negative: they will not like you at all. 

Positive: things will take time to build up understanding.

I preferred to ignore both and planned to go with the flow. As soon as, I reached the cubical it was so big so beautiful, feels like just capture everything every small thing which was in front of me.

I entered the building there was a beautiful girl well dressed, beautiful smile, very polite and she gave us warm welcome and provide me the details how to reach to my desk. What things will be required to enter the cubical and gave us welcome chocolates. Every single step was so joyful it feels like I am watching any series at my place with lots of popcorn and chilled cold drink. 

The time I entered my place everyone was busy in their own day activities; nobody even looked at me at that time. It feels like I am an invisible person to them like Mr. India. My moral at that time was very low. I was very nervous. Are they the ones who I was talking too? Why didn’t they even look at me? Am I looking foolish? I just kept on questioning my-selves instead of understanding the situation that maybe they had not even seen me, they only listened to my voice. So, I did.

There was a saying “ jb kisi situation mai ho toh sb galt hi smjh ata hai “

I said “Hi” to the person I was sitting next too. We introduced to each other and then I asked him can you please show me the cubical where we have the access to go. He made me familiar to the different places and help to have the best coffee of the cubical. Then we came back to our desk and then I started working with my daily stuff. Then came lots of more people on the floor at least they all came to me and made small intro about themselves. I was so happy atleast I’m visible to them. Everything was on track. I found the person with whom I talked a lot in the cubical, I waved at him but he dint’ even respond back. I prefer to ignore everything and concentrate back to my screen. Many of them where scrolling, laughing and few were working.

I felt alone at that time, but this was place where I belong now. Some are toxic, some are supportive and some I even do not know. May be by the time I will be part of them or maybe I will be alone. Let’s see what this cubical has planned for me...

New Day, New Chapter New Start

Today was the first day of my new job. It was a mixed feeling, was among a new crowd where no one knows me. I was so blank at the start of the day. They were introducing me to the new co-workers, but were not able to find anyone in the whole cubic whom I know in the new place. They were ragging me by asking me to sing a song for them or do something for them.

After some time few of the HR came for the induction session where they told us about the rules and regulations of this organization.

After the session of 3 hours, we were back to our cubic. I was assigned to a new desk, new chair everything was so new that make me lost somewhere in my thoughts to the unknown world of the new crowd around. That time, I miss my old desk, my older people who used to make me, comfortable, who chit chat with me the entire day. This is the part of life. We cannot stick to the same chair for long. 

I was not happy, but trying my level best to control my emotions among the people who were trying hard to make me, comfortable, but still, there were so many emotions that were stopping me to express what I was going through.

There was a time I was assigned to one person who has to train me with the list of roles I will be handling in the future. He asks too many questions from me, but I don't know what I had spoken to in front of him.

Maybe he felt I will going to be the worst employee of the organization or maybe he can feel I was nervous in the new environment. He just laughed and made me understand the complete process. I was busy with the notes and all the details we were providing me during the time.

With the passing of 3 hours here comes the call from one of my BFFs. She always has my heart she understood my emotions, made me comfortable without expressing what I had been through. Now I was back with my confidence, my style of working. At the time of  Q&A I was better at this time I answered every question which was asked.

The feeling of relaxation arrived at that time. So, maybe I tried my level best at the end to prove that I can do it.

So, in the end, it was the worst start, but the nice ending of the first day.

My Journey till the last day

It's been almost 4 years working with the organization. It feels like a family, the day I started working with people who had different mindsets, don't even don't like me or to work with me, always bitches about me. I always tried to be very nice to them, supported them with their work also even when they are in need of any help. But Ache logo KO nobody likes.  

After a lot of effort and JUGAR, I became the spoc of the team, too much of the floor existence I had. People from different departments started liking me the way I am. Earlier, my image was very bad because of some bad people's controversies they always portray me wrong. After having the title of Spoc people started to know me the way I am the real me. After the efforts of 2 years, the process with which I was involved was windup from the organization. No one on the entire floor wanted to take me along. I tried to go to interviews, but still, nobody wanted me to be in the organization now. But I was chosen by one of the Managers maybe he was not left with any choice.  

But there is always a saying "if you don't have someone God will always be there for you". 

On an upcoming day, there was an ethnic day competition in our organization. this year I tried to be Ms. Ethnic because I want to show everyone that yes, I am also the capable person to do something. In the end, I got the award. This was our last ceremony in the process. Many of them made bad faces at my achievement many were happy to see me. I was happy because I tried my best to achieve this.

In our end days, people were not happy, maybe they were comfortable with the double face people. But I was happy because I was going in between the people who were very new to me who actually don't know who am i. At the back, I was at the option in that group I made double efforts so that they would never choose me as an option I wanted to be the priority in this group. They choose me, they accepted me the way I am. They wanted me to grow, to learn, to achieve different things. they always supported me during my days.

Now is the time I have to go ahead with more progress in my life. So, I have decided to tie up with some other organization. I had given interviews and got selected by other organizations.

But it's very difficult to leave that family who supported me who showed me my positive side, who always wanted to be the best. Now that particular chair will not be mine. I will no longer be part of a morning and the day ends calls. The same people will not chase me with the problems &  solutions. I will miss you all so much. But thank you so much for being a part of my journey.